I’ve got no strings: AirPods are more than an evil plot

The Macalope regrets to inform you that even though it’s late 2019 we’re still talking about the headphone jack.

Writing for NBC, Nicky Woolf says “Apple’s AirPods changed everything. They gave the company near-monopolistic power over users.” (Tip o’ the antlers to JoeFoe and Bill in Dallas.)

The Macalope is so old he remembers when AirPods were so overpriced and ugly no one was going to buy them. Now we must buy them because our Apple overlords have made us. Stands to reason, though. They certainly can’t be popular because people like them.

Futurists hate wires: Wires can tangle. They are messy, inelegant, inefficient. To Silicon Valley’s technologists, they are the enemy. Everything that can be made wireless must be made wireless…

You know who else hates wires? People who have to deal with wires.

Also puppets.

Possessed puppets.

Which is redundant because all puppets are possessed. That’s just science.

Particularly galling was that customers who wanted to continue to use wired headphones in new Apple devices had to shell out for a special adapter (which, at least until 2018, Apple wouldn’t let third-party manufacturers make).

This is probably why Apple included a Lightning adapter with every iPhone until 2018.