Schrödinger’s 5G: Apple is both late to and already killing us with it

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, the non-binary gendered and the otherwise non-binary gendered, it’s time again for another episode of the new game show The Macalope just made up: Here’s What’s Hilarious!

If you’ve followed this column at all over the years… well, The Macalope would just like to formally apologize to you. It’s mostly a thinly-disguised series of butt jokes sold as somehow Apple-related. That’s what we here at Macalope Industries call “the special sauce”.

Not to be confused with the actual “special sauce” we put on the alfalfa burgers in the cafeteria. Which is really just Thousand Island dressing.

Sorry, chef Terry. Your secret is out.

Anyway, if you’ve followed this column, you know how The Macalope spends his days: railing against bad Apple analysis. It’s a living.

(Disclaimer: not actually “a living”.)

Throughout 2019, if we heard one thing it was how ugly the iPhone 11 was going to be. But if we heard two things we also heard how no one was going to buy the ugly iPhone 11 because it was also not going to have 5G. How dumb! The people are screaming for faster speeds and Apple was going to be (say it together with The Macalope now) LATE TO 5G! Why pay for a phone that doesn’t have the network you can’t even use yet?! It makes no sense! Who would do that?!

Well, it turns out a lot of people because the iPhone 11 has sold really well by most accounts. Go figure.